August 15

Honestly I have been working on this post for 6 weeks but when I am looking at old news stories I quickly get distracted! So this in my January to March recap. I will be more focused and diligent about my April to July. 

Just a quick overview of 2020 to date......just in case you have been living under a rock. I believe that there has been a book written about this trouble time - The Old Testament. 

January - we should have known 2020 was going to be bumpy - very good to start the year with a plague of locusts....😕

• Yep, a plague of locusts 🦗 invaded Ethiopia 🇪🇹 and Somalia 🇸🇴 . Nothing says Jesus 🙏🏽is angry more than a plague of fucking locusts. 
• Philippines volcano 🌋- Taal Volcano, the second most active volcano in the Philippines erupts and crushes homes and kills livestock 🐮🐷and crops 
• Next natural disaster- an earthquake in Turkey 🇹🇷 . A 6.8 earthquake hits Turkey - 1,600 hurt.🤕
• Not done....Bush fires 👨🏼‍🚒🔥in Australia 🇦🇺. Killed 33 people coffin ⚰️ and an estimated 1 billion native animals 🕷🦘🦎🐨🐍 2,500 homes 🏠  and wilderness 🌳 area the size of Greece were destroyed 💣 
• Not done yet.....Kashmir has an avalanche ⛄️that killed 100 people - heaviest snowfall to hit the Himalayan region in a century.❄️❄️❄️
• Hmmm....what natural disaster are we missing....oh ya, a flood 🌊 - Indonesia 🇮🇩 has a flood that kills 83 people😵. Landslides were the heaviest since record keeping began in the 19th century. 
• Brexit 🇬🇧 FINALLY happened - after a referendum was held in June 2016 we finally saw democracy happen.....sort of. Britain officially left the European Union.
• Not unlike Brexit - Harry 🤴and Megan 👸🏽step down from royal duties. (I have to interject here - I am a royalist but I get it, being born into royalty probably isn’t the great job you think it is but.....they are leaving royal duty to be in the public eye in Hollywood. Kind of like jumping out of the frying pan 🍳into the fire 🔥 isn’t it Harry?! I think this reeks of hypocrisy and I really don’t have time for it. I also think Megan is a shallow, selfish person - but I digress....) 
• Also Kobe Bryant, his daughter and 7 other perished in a helicopter crash 🚁🏀 

So quick summary of January - Jesus sat down with God and said, “Seriously Pops, I would like to get all of our big ones out of the way, I’m thinking of having a quiet relaxing 2020. Maybe go on holidays, take the rest of the year off”  And God, like any other parent thought, “ You lazy, little shit. I will show you pestilence and suffering” 

 

Also, another quick side note, of all of the above disasters, which got the most airtime? 1. Harry, 2. Kobe, 3. burnt koalas....probably says a lot about us....

No worries kids! New month, better days ahead! We get an extra day to celebrate February 2020!

Okay here we go – onwards and upwards…. wait….no…..no….it gets worse…….

• Corona virus 🦠 starts to make worldwide 🌍 news. An early pandemic is brewing in Wuhan. It is starting to spread worldwide. Yep, this looks like it is going to be in the news 📺for a while…..who knew…..

• Personal reality check for me – I had a lump in my breast🤦🏼‍♀️. Again, nothing makes you question your life more that a cancer scare. Good news, it is a “fatty deposit” 🤷🏼‍♀️Also good news – I have a medical term to call my “fatty deposits” spread throughout my body. And in the immortal words of Lizzo – my soul sister – “Feeling good as hell, Hair toss, Check my nails”

• Terrorism in Germany 🇩🇪  – there were twelve men arrested for attempting to start a far-right organization aimed at carrying out attacks against politicians, asylum seekers and Muslims. Okay, hold the phones 📞 . I think we should all take a collective sigh and agree that a Far-Right Wing Political party in Germany is probably not a good idea 🤯. This leads me to another issue I have – teaching history in schools👩🏽‍🏫. I think it is imperative that kids 🎓learn about history – the good, bad and the ugly. They should learn about slavery, concentration camps, political and religious intolerance, suffrage, wars and genocide. I think we all need to remember “Lest We Forget” 

• Oh and this little issue – Blockades on the railway to protest Coastal Gas Link pipeline. Don’t. Get. Me. Started. On. This. One. 🚂🚔🚨

• Harvey Weinstein is found guilty of rape. Say it ain’t so. I had such high hopes – my impression was that he was filled with integrity and honor. Obviously, I jest. This is probably the creepiest muth-fucka I have every seen. 🖕🏼👺

• The US House of Representatives votes 410-4 to designate lynching a federal crime. Just quick check – it is 2020 right? The US Civil War ended 155 years ago right?! Also, who are the 4 that voted to KEEP lynching?! Someone should investigate those dark bastards. I don’t think I can even dishonour this point with emojis. 

-  The Standard Poodle 🐩 won Best in Show at the Westminster Dog Show. I don’t know what kind of evil black magic 🧙🏼is going on at the Westminster Kennel Club but, I think we can all agree, if a Standard Poodle was a human we would all punch him in the face. 👊🏽He would be the most pretentious, arrogant, simple person we have ever had the displeasure of meeting. The Standard Poodle! Honestly?!

 

So now on to a March - spring.....new beginnings...

• We have to start identifying Corona Virus by the new name COVID 19 - why you ask? Because people were associating the virus with Corona beer. 🍺 Now, let’s be honest, if someone believes that the Corona beer causes the virus or is in anyway associated with the virus and they happen to get the virus and die.... can we call that natural selection? I think we can.😇
• Shit is getting real - hockey is cancelled. 🏒Fuck. Of course it is - Edmonton is finally playing decent hockey! I think this was a pivotal moment for Canadians- this bloody virus is wrecking havoc on our lives.😡
• Tiger King. What is this insanity?! This hillbilly from Oklahoma has a questionable large cat 🦁🐯zoo and is repeatedly threatening this equally flaky, possibly husband-murdering nut bar 🧝🏼‍♀️from Florida. He ran for president and Governor of Oklahoma AND HAD CONSIDERABLE SUPPORT! (I would like to speak to this more, however, we have a drama teacher for our Prime Minister so I think I lose some credibility). Hockey is suspended for 8 days and suddenly we are all addicted to the meth crazed, mullet wearing lunatic. On a side note, I did learn that a I can purchase a tiger for $2000 US and dispose of a husband with no evidence......🤫
• COVID-19 is officially declared a pandemic. I also learned the definition of Epidemic, Pandemic, Endemic and an Outbreak - I hope to never hear any of these words again! I also started working from home in March. I always thought I would love working from home - I don’t. It was awful. I also thought I hated people - I don’t. Well I do, but I learned I only hate 96% of the population not the 99% I thought I did. 
• Dow Jones dropped almost 3,000 points in one day. Largest 1 day drop since 1987. 💵
• Summer Olympics were canceled. Effect on my life =0%.🏋🏼‍♀️⛹🏼‍♀️🥇
• Sophie Trudeau gives a speech in London💂🏼‍♂️ for the WE Charity. This is not nearly as earth shattering as it’s going to be as it is in July but I don’t want to give too many spoiler alerts for July..... Sophie later is confirmed as having COVID 19, which she contracted while in London.....almost like God is saying, “Sorry sweetheart, you are doing some truly unethical shit and I have to call you on it because no one else does” 😷
• Bill Withers, Joe Diffie and Kenny Rogers died - sad month. 😓

• 
  

May 11

As promised, things that I like:

1. Getting into clean sheets. A bonus points if my legs are freshly waxed......alas, no bonus points lately....

2. Spelling “definitely” correctly, the first time. Even spelling it close enough so that spell check knows what I am trying to say. 

3. This. Cresting Strachan hill and seeing the first hint of green on the trees. Makes me euphoric.

4. Spelling “euphoric” correctly. (Spell check did help me....)

5. A clean kitchen. Recently Ryan has taken over this duty and my kitchen is sparkling clean day and night. I love it.

6. Madonna falling down those stairs at the Brit Awards. I have never shared video on my blog but of you’re feeling a little blue watch this clip. Never fails to bring a smile to my face. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qx5IMCJFIMw

7. Ryan’s new beard. It. Is. Awesome. 

8. Completing the planting of all of my summer plant pots for my deck. Ironically, it makes me equally happy to dump aforementioned plant pots at the end of the season.

9. Road trips. Preferably with a cold beer.

10. An end in sight to isolating at home! 

Way more likes that dislikes.

May 7

A short list of things that really bother me....that are not Coronavirus related.....

1. Madonna. Every incarnation of her bothers me. Have you ever watched an interview with her? She is narcissistic, shallow, arrogant and not that smart. And I’m not sure what is going on with her face right now - Botox? Injections? It is awful.

2. Killer hornets. Really? Why? Who is responsible for this? Before you answer, I know, the Chinese. They seem to be responsible for everything! Ryan and I honestly had a dead one in the yard 2 years ago (we are actually arguing about whether it was 1 or 2 years ago or if it was still alive or dead) but it did traumatize me. It was incredibly big. Another insect to add to my long list of “Insects to Avoid”.

3. Uncomfortable bras. I know I lose 1/2 of my audience with this one but why is it so hard to design a comfortable bra. We can send a man to the moon but we cannot make a bra that you can comfortably wear for 8 hours? Oh the humanity! 

Okay, tomorrow 3 things I like.....

April 24

I just wanted to make a short list of un-fun things to have done today or are still on my “To Do” list. They are in no particular order of un-fun-ness....

1. Cleaned up 1/2 (or there abouts) of a mouse that has been on my front step for about 5 days now....🤢. I was waiting for Riggs, the cat or some other creature to devour it, but no, it has been left for me. I consider it an offering to the Gods - in this case me being God....

2. Worked on my budget for work - suffice it to say that it is NOT a good time to be working in the oil patch. Unlike the other “good times” when there are uneducated protesters or Ludwig-esque terrorists....oh the good old days.....

3. Tried on my jeans. Jesus fuck. My size 14 jeans..... My size 14 jeans that I cannot even pretend are comfortable. The good news is I could get them done up. It was an engineering feat that could only be compared to the construction of the Panama Canal, but I did get them done up, but Lord Jesus that button was working hard. I finally changed after 20 minutes of trying to convince myself that they, “weren’t that tight” or that I have gained a lot of muscle around my mid section. I am quickly sneaking up on obese. Not really sneaking- huffing, with a burger in one hand and a glass of wine in the other and sweats on....that are also too tight.....

4. I vacuumed the stairs. Might not sound bad but my roll of “muscle” really interferes with bending over....

5. Rescued a woodchuck from Riggs, but alas, too late. Ryan disposed of the poor guy before it had time to decompose on my front step....definitely a blue job.

6. Put make up on and did my hair. I posted a picture on Facebook this week of Kyle Jenner pre and post makeup. I thought I would include a photo of me before make up and after just so can appreciate the work that goes into it and to try and distract you from the dead woodchuck.....

April 16

I am sure everyone knows that we go on epic road trips and we try to plan one every year. Unfortunately this year we are being forced to modify our trip. The planning is my favourite part and because everything is up in the air I am unable to plan, so....

I thought I would plan a trip for everyone. With the dollar being as shitty as it is we are planning 3 trips within Canada - and why not? Canada is beautiful - we should explore it more!

Okay Trip 1:
A lovely drive out to the coast. Ryan and I have rented homes a few times out there as well as hotelled it. This lovely home is in Ucluelet - which is as hard to spell as it is to say. It has 3 bedrooms and 3 and 1/2 bathrooms. It is an amazing house with unbelievable views.  No pets and no children (I am kidding you can take kids but why would you!) and no parties. It has excellent reviews and in all of my experience with VRBO the home owners have been lovely. Now the price.....a little high I will admit - I have September 8 to the 14 as my pretend dates and it is $875 Canadian a night - but if you have 2 other couples it is only $295 per couple. Do-able but I admit still high. If you wait until late October the price drops to $549 per night (only $183 per couple). October and November are storm season so it would still be a wonderful trip. Bit of a drive from Rocky - about 21 hours and that is not including the ferry nightmare.

The house is 179977 on the VRBO website. If nothing else take a little virtual holiday and take a look - if all else fails and money and the threat of this virus is keeping you home then treat yourself to a pretend holiday.

Ucluelet has great tours, whale watching, kayaking, hiking or buy a case of wine in Kelowna on your drive over and just relax in this great house with friends. Drink the case of wine, argue over cards and who is doing the dishes and see who is still your friends after the holiday.....

Trip 2:
The Yukon - this is on my bucket list. I picked the same dates - September 8 to the 14. The drive would be amazing but definitely hitting colder nights and after the never-ending winter we are experiencing it is hard for me to appreciate those evenings right now. The house only sleeps 4 - unless someone want the futon and in my experience this leads to a quicker fight than who is doing the dishes. Only $325 per night so much more affordable than Ucluelet. Still a long drive though - from Rocky about 25 hours.

 

I did a quick search of things to do in Haines Junction and might be a little slim on choices. It does look like there are Air Tours which I am sure would be great. The VRBO house is number 3765180.

 

Trip 3:

I am putting this down as a driving trip but I think it is for the most die hards. Prince Edwards Island. Again, on the Bucket List, but having recently driven to Thunder Bay I need the memory eraser that they used in Men In Black to forget the mind-numbingly boring drive through Saskatchewan, Manitoba and Northern Ontario.  When I searched a house on the East Coast I did request a hot tub - after the 4,860 kilometer journey across Canada you are going to want to soak in a tub. 50 hours of driving and please remember that includes Saskatchewan and Manitoba that has some of the worst highways I have ever encountered. Manitoba also only has Provincially owner liquor stores so it is like a trip back in time. But the house is quite nice.

Lots of bedrooms and bathrooms so no worries about who is sleeping on the futon because you are going to need a masseuse and a chiropractor already! I did research and there are massage therapists in Cape Traverse. I think we can all agree that by the time you arrive there you will have no desire to leave the house to go on a tour for a few days.

 

Well those are all the places that we cannot go to. But my pretend holiday was very good and it also aided in my procrastinating taping my walls in preparation for Ryan painting them.  Sorry, holiday is over - but good news - you do not need to unpack your bags or do laundry!

 

April 15

I’m going to tell you all the things that surprised me today: 

1. That Mother Nature is a bitch. But for real. She has menopause. She forgot what sunshine and green grass was. She is waiting Trump to tell her that it was his idea for the sun to shine and the birds to sing.....

2. Zovias, Cupshe, Joleri, Bekzy, Carmelletta and Reffia all have the same advertisements on Facebook! Side note: I ordered fro, Zovias so I will update you on my order and the real size I should have ordered!

3. I miss human beings. I thought I hated all human contact. I was wrong. 

4. I am capable of unbelievable rage. Seriously. Pray for Ryan.

5. I paid for Master Class. My expectations are high. I have already listen to Wine Appreciation. Guess what? I appreciated wine before the class and did not feel stupid liking a glass for wine. Now suddenly I need to understand the soil it was grown in and the casks it was stored in!

6. I did not know 1 day could experience 13 seasons! They say that Inuit people have 30 different definitions of snow - me too! “fucking snow”, “fucking sideways snow“, “fucking snowman snow”, “fucking rain? No fucking snow”, “fucking light snow”, “fucking snow while the sun is shining”, “fucking big flake snow”, “fucking no snow so I’m expecting tornado” and all of this in a 15 minute window. I’m no longer expecting spring. I’ve written it off.

That’s all. I’m going stir crazy and I’m taking you all along with me. Mix a drink. Enjoy the ride. 

April 10

Mike Meyers once said, “Canada is the essence of not being. Not English, not American, it is the mathematics of not being”. I disagree. I think that Canadians need to acknowledge our uniqueness and take pride in our Canadian-ness. And one of Canada’s biggest achievements is The Battle of Vimy Ridge.

I recently read Vimy by Pierre Berton (another unsung hero of Canada - it should be part of the school curriculum in Canada to read at least one of his books) and it was saddening, horrifying, patriotic, unbelievable and inspiring. I have to give a couple of quotes just to set the tone for this incredible battle:

To put this quote in context I will explain the preface - this is a quote from a soldier who visited the Vimy Ridge Memorial site in 1985, this soldier was in his 90’s and he was asked to describe life in the trenches - the mud, the lice and the filth of the rats - he said, “You had to be there. It’s not possible to describe it to somebody who wasn’t there”. I cannot even comprehend this environment. We are all complaining about social distancing and lack of toilet paper but we should acknowledge what real sacrifice is. 

Pierre Berton tries to explain what trench life was like - “...dig in your backyard a ditch about eight feet deep, fill it during a rain storm with 2 feet of thick clay mud, and then crouch in it, day and night, for a week, living on tinned bully beef, a few slices of mouldy bread or hardtack, and plum jam. Yet even if you fill the ditch with live rats and infested it with so many lice that your shirt crawled, it would still be a pale counterfeit of the real thing. The ceaseless rumble of guns, the crack of bullets overhead, the crump of trench mortars, the stench of mangled bodies, and the command on certain nights to emerge from your filthy hole and crawl in terror across No Man’s Land - these cannot be simulated.” This was the unbelievable conditions these boys lived in if they were lucky enough to not be killed.

And these were boys. I’m not sure what you think of when you hear the word soldier. I think of order, training, confidence, wisdom, ability, mature, prepared, fit. Some of these boys were as young as 16 or 17. Some weighed less than 120 pounds. These boys were from families that pioneered Western Canada. They were used to back breaking work, sleeping outside and going without. They were strengthened by playing lacrosse and hockey. They could kill a deer with a rifle, eat cold meals and ride horses. They had tinkered with farm machinery and could quickly adapt to their surroundings. And over half of the Canadian troops were from west of Ontario, even though that was a very sparsely populated area in Canada in 1914. 

Again a quote from Berton, “As David Lloyd George, the British Prime Minister, was to put in his memoirs “Whenever the Germans found the Canadian corps coming into line, they prepared for the worst.” The Canadian troops quickly were recognized by the Allies that, although we were a young nation, comprised of immigrants, we were more than able to step up and fight the Germans. 

The Germans had taken the ridge in October 1914 and the Allies had been trying to recapture it ever since. The French fought for it for a year and lost over 150,000 men, then the British tried. There were several battles over the course of many months in 1915 and 1916 but the Germans kept control of the ridge. In early 1917 it was the Canadians turn.

Now there was incredible planning and the book details the act of warfare that I cannot even begin to understand but the Battle was eventually planned for April 9, 1917. It was Easter Monday at 5:30 am. It was snowing - blizzard like conditions. Can you imagine anything more Canadian? By April 12 the Canadians held the ridge. Now, obviously, the time in between the initial attack and eventually taking the ridge was absolute hell and cost Canada 3,600 soldiers and almost 7,000 wounded but when the dust settled a nation was born.

Canada captured the ridge with “blinding speed”. The Germans never regained the ridge and it was generally agreed that this was the turning point of the war. 

The Americans (who, by the way, did not enter WW1 until April 1917) acknowledged our performance. The New York Tribune wrote, “every American will feel a thrill of admiration and a touch of honest envy at the achievement of the Canadian troops.... No praise of the Canadian achievement can be excessive Canada has sent across the sea an army greater than Napoleon ever commanded in the field”. And the New York Times wrote, “ In Canada‘s history, one of the great days, a day of glory to furnish inspiration for her sons for generations”. Impressive admiration from a country that currently struggles to acknowledge any country outside of its borders. 

I am not doing this battle the justice it deserves but I really wanted to highlight how great Canada can be. How important it is to be unified. How proud we should be of the Canadians that fought (and fight) for our country. How petty and silly we can be - especially right now while we are fighting this pandemic. How we, as Canadians, should proudly and loudly defend and praise our nation. 

How did Canada lose respect for the West? The west was praised for the hardships that the pioneer families suffered to settle the west, the building of a cross country railway, the hard work of all of the men and women to establish a life, an economy that would help support ALL of Canada. Western Canadians fought in both wars, these were farm boys that left the farm and the comforts of home to fight for freedom. My own grandfather fought in WW2 and I am sure suffered his own demons until his dying day. 

I was trying not to get on my soap box for this blog and sincerely and honestly praise the soldiers and their families for the sacrifices they made and ensure them that it was not made in vain. We live our life because of their commitment and perseverance that theses people showed. I thank you. My family thanks you. 

One more thing (this blog is like Lord of The Rings, it never ends!) I would like to tell Mike Meyers that he is wrong. We are not English. We are not American. We are Canadian. We are a great nation. 

And damn it READ A PIERRE BERTON BOOK!! If not Vimy then Prisoners of the North, it is another great one.