January 18

Wow, I discovered something about myself today and it isn’t pretty. I am addicted, I know what you’re thinking, but, no. I am addicted to my phone. When did this happen?

Today is a town day. Please understand that this takes much mental preparation- firstly, I have to get out of my pyjamas, do my hair and makeup(but even on a good day this is optional), then I have to deal with people. Ugh, people. 

So off to town, in this frigid weather, singing to the radio and I have a heart stopping moment....I forgot my phone. Queue heart palpitations. I seriously thought about turning around and going home and I was at the Clearwater bridge!! I could throw a rock and hit Rocky! I was struggling with problem solving. How could I survive for 4 hours without my phone?! And what was my phone going through?! 

I am not one of those people that is on my phone constantly. I do not have it on the table with me when we are out for supper. I very seldom have a conversation with a person face to face while having another conversation via text. It is extremely rude. But my phone has my grocery list, my to do list for town, access to my accounts, Suduko and Facebook - you know essentials. 

The other problem is Apple. I have an iPhone, iPad, iMusic, iMac, iPods ......I am an iWhore. Apple has me. I cannot ever leave. God damn corporations. Steve Jobs was brilliant. What a marketing genius. 

So now here I am. In town with only my IPad (I am not a caveman, I do have some form of technology but alas, no wifi) trying to remember my grocery list, all the places I need to go to town today, what time I am meeting Dennis for lunch, hoping Jen isn’t trying to text me from Mexico and worrying about the price of oil. Oh the humanity! 

I also joined Noom - fucking phone is also my pedometer! Now Noom isn’t going to know how incredibly active I am today. She will never believe me. I haven’t left the couch in a week and now, the ONE DAY I am doing something my phone remains on my couch and I am not! 

The other discovery I have made is that I don’t care about my bottle of red blend that is at home only my phone. I think this is really putting my life in perspective. Phone = problem. Red Wine = acceptable vice. Well that is 

Wow, I discovered something about myself today and it isn’t pretty. I am addicted, I know what you’re thinking, but, no. I am addicted to my phone. When did this happen?

Today is a town day. Please understand that this takes much mental preparation- firstly, I have to get out of my pyjamas, do my hair and makeup(but even on a good day this is optional), then I have to deal with people. Ugh, people. 

So off to town, in this frigid weather, singing to the radio and I have a heart stopping moment....I forgot my phone. Queue heart palpitations. I seriously thought about turning around and going home and I was at the Clearwater bridge!! I could throw a rock and hit Rocky! I was struggling with problem solving. How could I survive for 4 hours without my phone?! And what was my phone going through?! 

I am not one of those people that is on my phone constantly. I do not have it on the table with me when we are out for supper. I very seldom have a conversation with a person face to face while having another conversation via text. It is extremely rude. But my phone has my grocery list, my to do list for town, access to my accounts, Suduko and Facebook - you know essentials. 

The other problem is Apple. I have an iPhone, iPad, iMusic, iMac, iPods ......I am an iWhore. Apple has me. I cannot ever leave. God damn corporations. Steve Jobs was brilliant. What a marketing genius. 

So now here I am. In town with only my IPad (I am not a caveman, I do have some form of technology but alas, no wifi) trying to remember my grocery list, all the places I need to go to town today, what time I am meeting Dennis for lunch, hoping Jen isn’t trying to text me from Mexico and worrying about the price of oil. Oh the humanity! 

I also joined Noom - fucking phone is also my pedometer! Now Noom isn’t going to know how incredibly active I am today. She will never believe me. I haven’t left the couch in a week and now, the ONE DAY I am doing something my phone remains on my couch and I am not! 

The other discovery I have made is that I don’t care about my bottle of red blend that is at home only my phone. I think this is really putting my life in perspective. Phone = problem. Red Wine = acceptable vice. Well that is reassuring. 

December 31

Well wrapping up 2019 and all in all it was a pretty good year. Notley is out, Trudeau is still in 🙄, oil prices are moving up, the Oilers have rediscovered hockey and I’m still fat. So some good, some bad.

With 2020 looming I refuse to make any resolutions....or maybe I will make resolutions that are completely attainable. Like setting the bar quite low, embarrassingly low. So my 2020 resolutions are:

1. Gain 10 pounds. Why not? Everything I own is ridiculously tight already. Why not go the extra distance and buy an entirely new wardrobe? At Tent and Awning. Or really commit to mumu’s - I have flirted with the idea but why not own it?

2. Continue swearing like a sailor. I offend fairly easily, but fuck it. No one like a sanctimonious cunt.

3. Continue to judge freely and harshly. My pedestal is fairly shiny and high and I cling to it like a fucking spider monkey.

4. Institute Martini Thursday as a National Holiday.

5. Binge watch multiple searches of real crime shows on Netflix. This sedentary lifestyle will aid in my #1 goal. Really -  win, win.

6. Continue to be the trophy wife that Ryan loves. He is so lucky and I remind him of this daily.

7. Continue to love my friends, even the skinny ones. Even the ones that are poor losers at King’s Cribbage. Even the ones that can’t be trusted at the Mayor’s house because she used toothpicks as weapons. Even the ones that are still busy raising children.

8. Continue to ignore my blog for months on end and still assume people will still read this bullshit.

9. Sing more often, and louder. And to Nana - she learn to appreciate my melodious voice. Michael and the Tambourines are going on the road. I will also continue to sing ALL the wrong words to ALL songs.

10. Break my incredible record for an 8 hour hot tub party. I think we may start today. I’m sure that Darren will be very supportive of our desire to eat chilli smokies in the hot tub. Maybe we can convince him to be our servant  helper/bartender.

Here is to 2020. A healthy, prosperous year to all you motherfuckers! Much love 💗.

October 21

Okay kids, hold onto your seats, it’s going to be a bumpy ride....

I have to list everything I’m grateful for:

1. Democracy. I think we take this for granted. We get to vote, we might not like the outcome, but we all get a vote. 

2. Voter turnout. I was told, by two lovely ladies at my polling station, that voter turnout was 85% - 90%. I am impressed. If you don’t vote then do not get to complain. Get off your asses and vote - every time! When Darian turned 18 she was not excited about going to the bar she was excited because she got to vote. That is a parenting success. She has never missed a vote. Neither has Dekker - except when he was out of the country AND THAT’S NOT AN EXCUSE. He lost points for that one. 

3. Alberta and Saskatchewan are all blue - I’m sorry I refuse to acknowledge the one riding in Edmonton that voted NDP - please, Edmonton- I’m not sure what to say (and that very seldom happens). What the fuck are you thinking? Apparently not much. But to the rest of us - much love, admiration, solidarity and pride. We know what we are up against and we are holding hands and doing it together. God love us. And we will beat the shit out of Edmonton at a later date, behind the gym. Be there or be square.

5. BC - okay kids you did good. You increased your Conservative seats by 7. Good job little buddy but even GTA supported Conservatives more than Vancouver. It’s all about that god damn pipeline for you guys isn’t it. I am also disappointed that Jodie Wilson-Raybould didn’t get elected in her riding. No love for a woman that stood up for herself hey? BC talks the walk but doesn’t always walk the walk. Enjoy your gas prices. 

4. Wexit. Okay, this is going to be all we hear. I am a proud Canadian but I am an even prouder Albertan and damn I think it might be time. 

Conservatives increased their seats by 23 and the Liberals lost 30. That’s the best we could have hoped for. Unfortunately, it means listening to that sanctimonious little shit for another 4 years. Maybe if separatist talk gets serious then the east might start taking us more serious. Worked for Quebec. 

If we leave we take Jodie and Lisa Laflamme. But we leave Edmonton Strathcona. We will fence them in.

Quick update: Dekker just texted me. He tried to vote out of country but he missed the date. I will give him 1 pass. He was literally on a shrimp boat in the ocean for 2 1/2 months. And he looks homeless, actually he is homeless. 

Oct 17

Hey kids! Long time no blog! I just realized my last blog was July. That got me to thinking....why? I’ve never gone this long without an amusing story or thought. The reality is the world is bleak and, mother fucker I am tired of it. I’ve only done two serious posts before (when Tony died - love you baby, and when there was the mass shootings in Vegas at the country concert - fuck you anyone that will shoot people from a distance at people celebrating)

So I’m going to get some shit off my mind and then I swear I will do 50 more happy posts. 

1. This election. I am, obviously, a conservative. But I believe in gay marriage, I absolutely believe in a woman’s right to choose, I completely disagree with any and all types of religion and yet I proudly vote conservative. Firstly, if you love a man or a woman, it is no ones right to tell you that it is wrong. Be happy, treat people well, love and be loved. Abortion - I get it. I understand people disagreeing with it - I respect your decision. But, if you ever are in a position that you make the very serious decision to get an abortion then I support your decision. You never need to explain your decision to me. I understand and do not condemn. I know the decision is not made lightly - you have your reasons and thank God the country also supports your decision. And lastly religion- don’t tell me about your God or your beliefs - I don’t give damn. You can have them - that is your prerogative but don’t spew your shit to me. My beliefs are mine - I believe in God, I do not believe in religion. 

2. Climate change. Okay, have seat because I cannot deal with this World Is Ending Bullshit. I am not disagreeing that the human population has not had an adverse affect (or effect - this is always where I confuse the two. No definitely affect) on the environment but can we talk about this like adults? Climate change activists are part of this cult that happened before our eyes. There is no reasoning with these people. There is no rational discussion. The human population is affecting the world because of the sheer size of our population. Yes we affect it but the means of “controlling” it are where I take offence. A carbon tax. Hmmm.... Are we paying carbon? Does carbon cash our cheque’s and then say, “Okay Canada, you Roots wearing, beer drinking mother fuckers. You did good this year. I’m gonna wave (or waive - Jesus this is hard) your emissions this year” Is that how that works? I’m asking for a friend. I will say this until my dying breathe - Canada produces the cleanest, most environmentally friendly, ethical natural gas in the world. And FUCK YOU ELIZABETH MAY we are not going to be CO2 free by any year unless we have mass genocide. Sorry all you greenies (I am trademarking that term) but that is the truth of it. Yes, we can be responsible human beings and recycle and not litter and turn off lights we are not using but can we approach this topic rationally? We are not ever going to be zero emissions- no country will be. Ever. 

3. Our oil and gas industry. I. Am. Sick. And. Fucking. Tired. Of. Being. Vilified. Screw you Canada if you do not recognize the contribution oil and gas makes to our country. Fuck you Quebec for condemning our industry and then putting your hand out for our equalization payments. And fuck you for wanting to be recognized as an independent province with special rights but yet take our money. And fuck you for having the Bloc Québécois party and wanting to separate. Go. Just fucking go. Take your maple syrup, French speaking province and go. I love Canada but when the election results are decided before votes are counted in Manitoba then we have a serious problem. God bless the oil and gas industry. God bless the men and women that work incredibly long hours in harsh conditions, away from family and friends for weeks, if not months, in an industry that gets little to no credit. This is an industry that is proud, educated, resilient and industrious. We are environmentally friendly, we support our communities, we treasure our county and yet we are forced to defend our jobs to the rest of Canada and give hard earned money to a socialist system that does not recognize or support anything we do. I am not for a separation of Canada but damn it is getting harder to support a country that has so little understanding.

4. Trudeau. Where do I start? He is arrogant. He is spoilt. He is corrupt. He does not understand the average Canadian. He tried to pressure the Attorney General of Canada to save 9000 Quebec jobs. He broke ethics laws - twice?! He embarrassed Canada on his trip to India. He took a holiday on tax payer money to the tune of $200,000. He campaigned using taxpayers money. He gave $10 million dollars to Omar Khadr. He supports reintroducing known ISIS members into Canada. He wore blackface - multiple times. He (allegedly) sexually assaulted a woman. He (definitely) groped a woman. He does not support our veterans. He bought a pipeline he has absolutely no intention of completing. He lies to Canadians everyday AND PEOPLE ARE STILL VOTING FOR HIM!! Gerald Butts hand is so far up his ass directing his movements that it has to hurt when he coughs! He is spouting climate change and flying two Goddamn planes around him for this election - one for him and one for this props! I WISH I COULD MAKE THIS SHIT UP! I need to take a moment to get my blood pressure down....

5. Greta, damn Greta. Go home Greta. Take your momma and your poppa, your Tesla, your anger, your indignation, your ignorance, your opinions, your limited view and go fucking home. I do not understand parents that would parade your child around with your climate change hysteria. Greta go home and enjoy life. This is a wonderful world with amazing places to see and people to meet. This includes Canada. Come and enjoy our country, we have a lot to offer but do not come to our house and tell us what we are doing wrong. We are doing so much right. Acknowledge our successes. Acknowledge our incredible environmental standards. Acknowledge our unbelievable safety regulations. Acknowledge our technological advances with our oil and gas extraction. Acknowledge our gender equality. Anything other than that - go home. 

I need everyone that reads this blog to list 3 things that are good. 3 things they are thankful for. 3 things that make them happy. I am just so exhausted by the bad. My friend Brian (who you all know I love like the sister I never had) has recently quit Facebook because he couldn’t take the negativity and I get it - I also apologize for supporting the negativity with the above post - but it is my form of therapy so please indulge me....

Again, I promise to post a much lighter happier post soon...unless the Liberals win.....😉

July 6

Captain’s Log. Star date 070619. After our late interception with Enterprise Firebird and a lovely supper at a Greek Restaurant we prepare for our return flight. Load the car and head west - in search of privately owned liquor stores, smooth highways and mountains. 

Again a side note: not only are Manitoba and Ontario not radar detector friendly provinces they also have provincially owned liquor stores. I didn’t even know that they still existed. I was transported back to pre-Ralph days when we still had the ALCB, when your choice of liquor was seriously reduced after 6:00. That is some sort  of medieval control. Both bumped down in the list. I think I am currently rating them: Alberta, B.C.(love the province hate the politics), Saskatchewan (I love this crazy province- like Alberta’s tough brother that will beat up other provinces that pick on Alberta- BC take note, Saskatchewan can kick your ass), Newfoundland (any province that gave is Richard gets a free pass), Nova Scotia (Dennis Grandy came from this gem so it has to be a pretty spectacular province), Yukon, Northwest Territories, Nunavut (I recently read Prisoners of the North and I’m a fan), PEI, New Brunswick, Manitoba and Ontario. That’s it. 

Anyway back to our adventure. Darren and Jen have travelled for 3 days and still haven’t left Ontario. So we’re leaving Ontario laughing about their crazy moose signs  and then Jen yelled, “Moose, moose!!” Standing on the very edge of the road was a moose that was considering being a hood ornament for the F350. I thought it would be pretty cool of we drive into Rocky with the car on the trailer and a moose strapped over the hood of the car but I got a hard no from Fuzz. As we carry on the moose on the side of the road are incredible. We saw 6 moose in 100 kilometres. 

The boys are switching driving duties every tank of fuel. Us girls are trying to hold off pee breaks until every refill but it is near impossible. Stopped drinking beer and switch to white wine thinking it would help - it doesn’t. 

Making great time and enjoying the company and then Jen and I decided we should call ahead to Regina to book rooms.....Regina is having some crazy shit going on and is not interested in our patronage. Moose Jaw? No. Okay shit is getting real. I know how Mary and Joesph felt! There was no room at the inn. Desperately changing travel plans to accommodate our absolute need to get the fuck out of the truck and find a comfortable bed. Yorktown? Yes!! Slight northern detour and away we going to Yorktown. Yorktown - the town that is so friendly they have no password for hotel wifi. That’s not the official town slogan but it is a great option. 

Had supper at Brown’s and cheers to breakfast in Ontario, lunch in Manitoba and supper in Saskatchewan. We try really hard to honour Eric Church by celebrating every July Saturday night but we couldn’t. We were exhausted. It was a slight consolidation that if we were still on Ontario time it was midnight when we shut it down. 

July 5

Captain’s Log. Star date 070519. Saskatchewan appears to be far more hospitable than originally anticipated. Unfortunately I forgot it is summer (honest mistake considering Alberta has seen 5,000 mm of rain and 7 minutes of sunshine in June) and I packed no shorts! So I’m sitting in my jeans and a long sleeved shirt in the Enterprise Apollo sweating my ass off (please refer to earlier log about the temperature in the cab). There is actually a/c but Captain is attempting to limit fuel refills to maximize driving time. He was bold enough to declare that, “a good wife would climb out the back window and refill the truck from the slip tank while we are driving” So I am officially admitting I am NOT a good wife. I do see through his thinly veiled attempt to knock me off and get a newer Navigator circa 1980 - 1985. 

While departing Regina during a particularly rough exit we did lose a clearance light from the Ent. Apollo- I can only hope it is not essential for our landing in Thunder Bay. Actually, I also hope it’s the only piece we lose off our chariot. Note to self: purchase duct tape at next fuelling station.

So as the navigator I am attempting solve an equation: If a Firebird leaves Sudbury doing 90 kms/hr and has a headwind of 13 kms/hr and an F350 leaves Regina doing 117 kms/hr with a 20 km/hr tailwind - where will they meet? My Grade 9 thru 12 math is going to pay off! Now I just need to find a triangle and figure out some angles and then trigonometry paid for itself. 

We also had a three legged coyote pass in front of us. WTF?! Saskatchewan has tough coyotes! I have my own coyote story I’ll share in a future blog but suffice it to say I would never chase a coyote in Sorels, in up the bum underwear and a fire poker in February in Saskatchewan . ‘Nuff said. 

So Ryan and I lost our Manitoba virginity together. No Alex. 😒. But I hear that we later may be joined by his cousin Mr. Miller.... One of the first things that confronted us was a large sign stating Radar Detectors Are Illegal In Manitoba. Manitoba is quite bossy. 

We also passed a JimBob truck hauling bridges. I rolled down the window

and gave him a big wave and he read the Apollo sign on the door and gave us a honk. Fuck Rocky is friendly. If anyone knows who he is could you ask him to keep a watch on the highway for clearance lights. (Sorry - a complete side note: I’m typing while we are racing down the highway avoiding semi’s and various farm equipment and I typed “clearance” wrong and my iPad auto corrected to “clearly ailing tsunamis “ so now I need to google tsunami illnesses) 

Nearing hour 12..... still going without calling a divorce lawyer. 

Manitoba roads are atrocious. They are a patchwork of pavement, concrete and NDP dreams. I had to google it - Manitoba has an NDP government *eye roll* that is so March. Didn’t they get the memo? Another reason Manitoba has been shuffled towards the bottom of my provincial hierarchy. They are even behind Ontario (Doug Ford, you crazy bastard, you made the difference for me). Anyway we entered Ontario and suddenly we are inundated with rules:

1. Still illegal to have radar detector so now we are only using our adara etectorda ( for those of you who unfamiliar with pig Latin that’s radar detector) anyway but we are only using it for GPS. But when the “GPS” flashes we do slow down. Unfortunately we are in the Enterprise Apollo not the Millennium Falcon and we are unable to reach 0.5 faster than light speed. 
2. Immediately the speed limit goes from 110 km/hr to 90 km/hr. Okay, I think we are maybe overreacting. You deny the radar detector AND THEN CHALLENGE US TO DRIVE 90?! I think not Ontario- Sammy Hagar and Ryan Ingham don’t drive 55. The only speeders on the road are from Alberta. We pull up beside them and we both look at each other like the brothers Doug and Steve Butabi from Night at the Roxbury - “Are you speeding? No, you want me to? Okay follow me”.
3. And now you take us from 4 lanes to 2 lanes?! Oh, Ontario you saucy bitch. If Manitoba voted further right you’d be shuffled lower in the pile.
4. AND THEN I SEE THIS!!

They have a angry fucking moose called “ Night Danger” Fucking rights we are speeding! I thought the coyote was tough!

OMG, hour 13.5 and we saw Night Danger!! (I did call him Night Ranger but Ryan corrected me.....and then we listened to Sister Christian). So if we get stopped I feel vindicated and I can tell Officer Ontario that our decision to speed in order to not be killed by Night Danger/Night Ranger is completely justified. Should work. 

We made it! We drove 1,306 kilometres in 13.5 hours....through road construction, 90 kilometre speed limits, farm equipment and bloody Manitoba highways. We liked it so much we are going back tomorrow. 

July 4

Captain’s Log. Star date 070419. Deep Space Station Williams has issued a priority one call. More than an emergency, it signals near or total disaster (or potential disaster). We can only assume the Williams have departed Toronto in the Enterprise Firebird as we plan to intercept them in the Enterprise Apollo F350. 

In the Enterprise Apollo for 1 hour and 13 minutes and the Captain and the Navigator are fighting about the music. And the flight path. And the temperature in the cab. So pretty fucking standard. I lost the music fight - no more Reba now it’s Led Zeppelin, won the route - Kindersley not Medicine Hat and the heat in the cab is a draw - it is either +30 or +6 in here! 

Also, in all my worldly travels I have never driven further east, in Canada, than Stettler. Yep, I’m a Saskatchewan virgin. 

East of Olds we picked up our first passenger. Alexander Keith. I like him. 

Saskatchewan virginity lost. Alex and I like Saskatchewan. Unfortunately the combination of Alexander Keith’s and Saskatchewan’s rough translation of paved roads means I need to pee! Captain is not impressed with his navigator’s over active bladder and A.K. and I have been split up. Captain appears to be an asshole. 

150 kms out of Regina and suddenly the Captain’s attitude has changed. Navigator has been promoted to Co-Captain. First Mate? Not sure of the new title but the Captain switched seats with me and immediately started snoring. Rude. But being the new Captain, navigator and Entertainment Director means that Led Zepplin can sit the fuck down. Reba! You’re up! 

Arrived safely in Regina at 11:20. 918 kilometres under our belt. ALSO - the rain stopped at Kindersley! Exotic, tropical Kindersley! Albertans pack your bags! Saskatchewan is hogging summer.